THE SOLAR-OUTPOST

The Health Guide
(Originates from Readers Digest)

Well folks, Let's get started!
I know what your thinking, "Yea I already know how to eat healthy.. Lots of fresh raw veggies, don't eat any meat.  In fact nothing at all!"
Am I right? Are you right? WRONG!

Special Medical Report!

The first tips are right on the cover.  To prevent heart attacks, eat LOTS of fat! The more the better, so I recommend that in the name of health, on your way home from work (If you have a job) hit every fast food chain between your destinations, and super size them all.  No need to worry, they cover weight loss in here somewhere too!

You know, this doctor's face.. This is the exact look I always get right before a woman slaps me.

Lets see just what they have to say about veggies.

Now, I don't know what the hell beta-carkurteemfph is, but it sounds like something I probably don't want to eat.
So I took their advice, I took a bite of a carrot, and a bite of a stick of butter.. It wasn't all that good, but it sure was juicy!

I don't know what the hell Homocysteins is, but I have a hunch it has something to do with gay people..
Either way it's probably not important because I'm not gay; and I don't give a damn about you.
What IS important is that two glasses of wine has very good health benefits.  I'm not a wine drinker but I think I'll start, because I value my health so much I realize I should play some catch-up and drink it by the bottle until I'm DAMN sure I'm not going to end up diabetic. That would suck.
Usually it's just beer for me...

Well hot damn! I've been living healthier than I thought.  11 - 24 pints of beer can greatly decrease my risk of heart attack... So if that little bit reduces risk by 66% then my usual doses of 5 a night except on weekends, where I have 15 a night has left me thus IMMUNE from heart disease!  Smokers, FIRE'EM UP!  I'm feeling healthier by the minute! Or drunker.. I'm not sure which.

But, we know this and that about alcohol and carrots.  And we all tend to get the munchies after a lot of booze.  Personally one of my favorites is ice cream.  I like to gorge myself with ice cream right before I chow down on grilled steak.

I scream you scream we all scream for bug juice!  You knew it was coming, I delivered.
I'd like to know what the source is for this "bug juice" allegation.. I really would, I am also somewhat worried about that girl.. Not only is she going tongue lash happy over bug-cream, but she's also kind of scary lookin'... I don't know if it's just me, but there's something about those eyes and that grin, while eating bug juice that makes me somewhat leery of her..  I'll be keeping my eyes open.

Getting back on topic however, of health..  I think I'd like to cover Marijuana a bit.  Sure it's been proven to have medicinal effects.. like making people who have glaucoma get high and think they don't have glaucoma, it's also been found to give you an extreme case of the munchies, cotton mouth, and causes memory loss.  We have the first two affixed for above, Drink lots of beer and wine, and pig out on butter and carrots.. But fear not my friends!  Readers digest as a fix for that, too!

There it is folks!  The answer to all your stoner problems!
Just mix a little bit of sage in with your weed, and you'll remember everything you did while drunk and stoned!
Whether you like it or not.
But this does post another issue, another aspect of the munchies.  Especially if you end up pigging out on taco's, there's always the dreaded beer and taco shit to follow the next day.. But Marijuana can still help fix that, too!

And now you have the perfect diet.  Vegetables covered in butter, lots of beer and wine.. The more you drink the healthier you are!
If you like to get high, just mix some sage and peppermint into your doobie and smoke away!  Not only will you avoid memory loss, but you'll avoid a very unpleasant crapping experience; and I imagine keep your breath smelling minty fresh.  It could come in handy when you end up at a road block where your sure to get your ass busted on DUI charges, but perhaps you can at least avoid the marijuana charge.

I'm not sure what to say about this.. Join the navy and serve on a nuclear sub?

They did offer one last piece of advice.
I studies this for quite some time, and I've concluded that it is a recipe for happiness and health alike!
I won't bother explaining this image, because I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

Like I said. It speaks for itself.
If you look REALLY close, you can kind of see her nipples.
Not too close, you'll strain your eyes.

A book that tells you getting drunk is healthy, and provides a way to negate the negative benefits of pot?
Damn straight it's gonna be a best seller!